I woke up with a picture of my dick as my background. still wondering if it was a good night or not.
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
I gave you head at the stadium on a Thursday night ESPN game. That damn well better be worth points on the score board!!!
I'm in Burlington Coat Factory. This place'd be great if you were on E. There're so many textures...
I'm kinda hoping that if I rub the right object, a genie will come out
So I found "Fat chicks in saran wrap" in my search history.
That's all you talk about when you are wasted.
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
Please, by all means, tell me what can't be helped by two stiff drinks & a blowjob?
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
just pleasured myself to USA hockey beating Russia in the shoot out. god bless America.
She can't even plan ahead to have toilet paper for her next shit
Fuck you. You were a total asshole last night.
We will get to that, but can anybody tell me whose fucking socks I am wearing?!
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
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