You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
She soaked the fruit in vodka for ten minutes and then mixed it with normal fruit and sherbert icecream. It was called "lottery fruit".
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
The great thing about skinny blondes is that they're all interchangeable.
future-me showed up mid trip and gave us a thumbs up.
my friend thinks you're hot & wants to fuck you ps i'm my friend
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
The ONLY place I sext is in my anatomy class. It's an amped up level of playing doctor.
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
Went out with the family last night and some 40 yr old lady wanted to take me home. My mom was not happy with me
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
Like why am I even still facebook friends with a guy I let finger me at a concert?
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