when im bored during the day i often think, what do people who dont get high do with their day.. i came to the conlcusion that everyone must be getting high
you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
The girl behind me in psych just tapped me on my shoulder to tell me there was a condom wrapper in my hood.
Somewhere along the night we ended up at a food lion giving jello shots to high school girls.
I have no idea what to do about this. He has a power over me and I think its called his tongue.
Mike is so stoned. I just heard him quietly mutter to himself "rock a piss" as he walked down the hall to the bathroom
My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
Happy Thanksgiving! Hope its not too awkward that your dad and your boyfriend are the same age.
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
My dick pics could make it to the popular page on Instagram.
I'm sad about how hungover I'm gonna feel tomorrow.
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
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