if I see one grey pube I'm spitting his penis out!
no, i dont want the owner to like me bc i dedazzled my vagina
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
Pretty sure I can show you the text you sent me stating some interest in my penis entering your mouth if said circumstances were met.
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
I lost all of my bathing suit tops.. This is both a success and a failure
I showed him my toy collection and he goes, "You won't need those anymore," and dropped his pants. I threw the House of Pleasure out last night.
I may have had sex with him and told him we wasn't worth my time then went home and made mashed potatoes
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
I was chasing disarono with Bacardi and watching ice cube movies. It would have been an epic birthday if I wasn't by myself and actually had some decent friends.. Hint. Asshole.
I woke up knowing I have nowhere to be today except parties and it was glorious and I am so happy
Why do we always have to be the people who get blamed for animal intoxication incidents?
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
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