You should never have let annie watch you have sex with other women
If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
He walked away from the girl that just blew him to hook up with another girl, and when she got pissed he just turned around and screamed, "SHE IS LIKE 10X HOTTER THAN YOU!" Then she went on an angry dick sucking rampage. There were 4 victims.
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
I'm throwing in the towel on today. The puke gods have won this war
I am sleeping in the bathtub because my bed is too soft.
So yeah he had good weed?
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
We compared her boobs to bacon. I'm probably going to have to justify that.
I had a really bad dream about us drinking this weekend. Remind me to tell you Friday when we start drinking
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
i'm sitting in my room 'bout to smoke a bowl. also, i found out that you don't need a permit to own a tiger in wisconsin, so we're buying one when we move in together.
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
She super glued his penis to his testicles. And shaved off a good portion of his hair after he passed out at the party.
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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