Remember, sex is not sex til both people cross the finish line. Until then, it is just a favor.
It was confusing and full of hummus
This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
We broke into her grandpa's pool at 2 am and I held my underwear out the window on the way home.
He woke up, yelled "RALLY!" and then puked in my glove compartment
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
Found out that I went to the same elementary school as the guy I'm hooking up with. Kosher or no
You were licking skittles to check if they were "halucinateizers" so no, you are not leaving the house while on antibiotics.
Randomize
