I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
Great date with Damon, but I'm not sure if telling him I like lesbian porn is a good second date discussion.
I'll listen to your side of the story when you stop being such a whore.
I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
There's going to be a pool, lightsabers and alcohol. What could go wrong?!
Don't smoke out front when you get home there's gasoline involved I'll tell you later
I am very happy to share that the hospital says the testicle pain is normal and that they are going to take care of it.
I am an advanced cybernetic robot sent back in time to 2013 to fuck my wife senseless for hours on end. Have you seen this wife?
Eddy, if you don't want to roll play then say so. This is just obnoxious
I just wanna get hammered somewhere crazy. Meet some chicks. Bang them and then go scuba diving.
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
I AM EATING BACON AND CHEESE. FUCK THE BULLSHIT.
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
It's your birthday, you should get to jizz where you want to. Jizz when you want tooo
He went in for a kiss so I shook his hand instead.
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
Randomize
