Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
Taking shots out of pine wood derby trophiesssssss. best idea ever.
You were doing karaoke. Then you screamed "SHOUTOUT TO ADAM LAMBERT" and started making out with the very surprised looking guy next to you.
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
We didn't even make it to the door before they came out saying we weren't allowed in because of last time..
I am day drunk. Get ready to see my dick.
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
We have to have sex twice when i get back. I miss you sex, and thank god the nhl lockout is over sex. I will happily let you wear your sharks jersey during it and i will wear my ducks jersey, and it will be mad rivalry sex.
who started the 'put a scrunchy' around his balls' game?
Halfway through the blowjob she stopped and said 'Wait I know this dick'.
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
You have a full penis tattoo of a cobra fighting a mongoose, don't you?
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