The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
you looked up at me mid puke with tears in your eyes and asked to make sure no one took your turn at Wii
He's having sex with his gf again. Every thump of his bed against the wall is insulting to our one night stand.
she's sitting alone using her breathalyzer as a kazoo. help.
you both peed in the photobooth after the pictures were taken.
Can you explain to me how i got kicked out of a bar last night, from outside the bar?
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
I think I'm in the negatives for the quantity of fucks given today.
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
We both knew it was over when I took a u turn at her belly button.
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
If we were teenagers we would intentionally be trying to burn down this historic landmark
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