Just be blunt and say drink from my dick
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
tonight lets celebrate not being married
just woke up with a thong on my face, dont remember going home with anyone and its way too big for it to be a good thing
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
i looked up his schedule, waited outside his classroom, and handed him the receipt for plan b
I AM SAFE. EVERYTHING IS FOG. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
Solid. Can't put a price on good times
You can and it's called a liver.
I'm going to try to ignore the homoerotic subtext in that last question...
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
He ate me out for an eternity. Like fell asleep, woke up, and he was still doing it.
Randomize
