Call me pathetic, but saying "tits for ireland" is working out really well on chatroulette today.
Dude I pulled down his pants and he already had a condom on
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
There's a fried egg and an empty bottle of reddiwhip in the parking lot. Did you have fun last night?
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
For sure. Gotta go. Building an igloo.
Dude where are you? I've been here an hour and all I've done is get head from a random in the stairwell.
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
debating what would be more effort, turning on to my other side or trying to get myself off with my left hand. that kind of lazy day.
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
Peeing in taco bell cups is part of the fun of going to taco bell
This is my second month of college and all I've learned is how to get a guy to go down on me without asking out loud and not to chase everclear with Smirnoff ice.
Essential life skills
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
Randomize