he thought i was passed out so he proceeded to jerk off while i lay on the floor next to him
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
The stripper from Delilahs paid the desk clerk to find out my room #. Either Im doin something very right or she's doing it worng.
I just took my birth control on the way to class with a 1/2 melted jello shot I happened to find in my purse from Friday night. I told you I was going hard this year.
I sent him a naked picture of me with the caption "I lost at beer pong, this was a dare. Hope your nights going as good as mine" I've never talked to him in my life, this is a strange way to start.
woke up wearing a canadian flag with the starting forward of the hockey team. i feel oddly patriotic
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
The bartender seems to not like the DD's anymore. I'm sad
We have a nice shopping list..vibrators and roller blades
Priorities
I think I have a bro crush.. When I imagine him, I imagine him waking up to go take a shower and just finding three bitches making out waiting for him. Like that awesome.
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
Starting to realize that fucking everyone I come across isn't the most... "adult"... coping method.
you asked if you could borrow my vagina for the night
Randomize
