Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
My vagina supports interfraternal relations
Well. It was around 3 or 4 in the morning. He ran into the woods. Wearing moccasins. Holding an extension cord. He was trying to catch a deer. That about sums up the awesomeness of the night.
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
So really what you're asking for is an allowance to not have sex on our futon.
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
As a home can we vote to stab Peter?
We damn well better have a snow day tomorrow. We just broke out the rum.
She was shaving her legs in the neighbors pool when we found her.
Where'd she get the razor?
Not the point.
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
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