the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
we fucked the fort apart but we'll rebuild it after we get some drinks.
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
I'm really tired of your booty call eating my fruity pebbles.
Dude that bathroom stall was not tall enough to be doing lines in, guys kept peeking over and giving us high fives
Most likely. calling 911 isnt usually something i do the first time i hang out w. someone, but hey. its a good story now.
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
It looks like I murdered a care bear and put its blood in my hair to warn the others off.
The fact that it neither of us came up with the reason of "it's morally and ethically wrong" speaks volumes about this relationship
He's coming over again? GIRL, you're thoroughly enjoying the month of Dicktember.
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
Randomize
