My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
Until he has ordered mozzarella sticks & beers at 2pm while wearing formal attire, then this is still my bar.
Hannah Montana > iCarly
I'm disregarding that text and your testicles entirely
you didnt remember my name all night. you kept referring to me as "the blonde with the fat ass"
Just bonged a beer from a vuvuzela...this place is only doing good for me
there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
He's 11. You dont draw dicks on 11 year olds, i dont care if he ate your lasagna
They just caught the deck on fire and I ran out with cups off the beer pong table filled with water from the toilet. It was the closest water source.
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
She bit a glowstick open. Apparently they burn. We bonded while she washed the chemicals out of her mouth as I did double shots of Jager.
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
I don't know. What do people who don't get stoned do?
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
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