I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
Girl next to me just ralphed in a bag. Congrats class of 2010
We had a race to see who could chug their vodka tonic faster. College doesn't seem to be working for me... I'm getting exponentially dumber
Just got a free shot w my beer...it's not quite 11am yet...I love international travel. These people aren't judgmental.
When I got up in the middle of the night, puked in his trash can, and snuck out the front door, I pretty sure he knew it was over.
Nah, this is the University of Tennessee. She'll get the clap, and get busted for having pot in her dorm by spring break. This time next year she'll be part-timing at a community college as a nursing major. So predictable it hurts.
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
Adderal can only make me focus so much. Your ass is stronger than my medicine. Congratulations.
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
His hair is as curly as mine. It was like watching me go down on myself.
Randomize
