We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
i walked outside and you were driving up the stairs to her apartment
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
If it makes you feel any better, karma just served me up a big dose of fuck you.
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
I just got a get of my turf look from a hooker. Apparently, Ninja Turtles T-shirt+Jeans+Flip-Flops=Hooker Gear. Woot.
How could she say that about my foreskin when she hasn't even seen all the cool stuff I can do with it?
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
So, I actually said the words "but face tattoos are sexy"
He wants me to fart in his mouth and is offering me SOOOO much coke. I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. GIVE ME ADVICE.
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
Ohhhhhh, that night......I need to stop drinking, almost all of my conversations that take place Wed thru Sun after 8:30 are one blurry haze.
Who did he bring home?
Idk. But did you see her shoe choice by the stairs, I'm really not expecting anything great.
Randomize
