yeah that facebook group of people who have had sex with me probably isn't to discreet...
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
I was the one passing out cake at the bars
im about 40 per cent sure i invited the bouncer to our pajama party next weekend...
He came into your room last night to tell me he was leaving, when I woke up this morning he was facedown in your hallway. He didn't make it very far.
When I say drunk I mean that in the process of filming a fratstar cooking show they threw a keg into the street where the police came to clean it up. now all they can say is "THE KEG GOT ARRESTED."
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
Then, right before he came he said "I want to buy you so many things!" What the fuck?!
If I ever look like I'm about to have a repeat of last night, hit me. Just smack me as hard as you can.
Peeing out the car window on the way home was a nice touch. In December, in Michigan, at 3am. Never seen a girl do that before. Neither had the guy in the minivan next to us.
He's like... An octopus that touches my vagina in all these diff ways at the right times. It's almost unsettling
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
Randomize
