the chick doesn't look like she's put anything in her mouth for weeks other than his dick.
I am puke
i woke up with socks on this morning
so?
i didnt wear socks last night
here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
she came to the game with a camelback filled with booze. except it was only the bag part so she duct taped to her back
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
New drinking game. Every time Romney and Santorum switch leads, take a shot.
....this is what your political science major is getting you?
That's where the buck stops? Buying girlfriends online? THAT is where you draw the line?!
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize