Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
Pulling over on the side of the road to set off fireworks was the worst idea you have ever had. I don't care if it was called a friendship pagoda.
he definitely had sex before you were fully potty trained.
Oh my fucking god I saw the pictures. What the mother fucking fuck. Destroy the pictures. Destroy the fucking pictures.
Please confirm the destruction of the pictures. NOW.
I'm still hoping for it dude. Random north dakota pussy. If my 16 year old self knew that these were my dreams he would so try to beat me up, and i think he could.
I take it that, because we are not guzzling a box of franzia, everything went alright?
That's where the buck stops? Buying girlfriends online? THAT is where you draw the line?!
She's like a solid nine. Well maybe not a tomorrow morning nine, but she's a nine right now and trying to take me home.
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
We are all yelling at the cat at our apt in nothing but our underwear. How do you think it's going.
Just fyi there is a naked girl somewhere in your house. I woke up and she was gone, definitely left her clothes tho
What can I say, I just want your vagina in my mouth.
...i have a beer in one hand, and a chicken wing in the same. typical tuesday, right?
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