Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
now i know why they say having sex with her is the equivalent to licking a pay phone
She looked kinda like Mario Batali?
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
The uber man and I sat in silence. With my underwear in my purse and my dress shoved in the pocket of the hoodie the guy gave me.
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
Randomize
