is hooking up with someone you used to babysit wrong?
i watch way too much csi for them to even pretend to be my friend.
Europeans suck. I just gave him head and somehow i am the one paying for the coffee
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
Agreed. That's like a marriage. For better or worse, till death do us part. I will hold your head over a toilet
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
I know you all think its cute to drop me off in a different state when I black out, but I can't wake up in family campgrounds asking where I am. These parents are scared.
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
Look, all I'm looking for is a good time and someone whose chest I can bury my face in
I should stop pointing to my vagina when I say "I'm in charge!"
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
Randomize
