I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
if I see one grey pube I'm spitting his penis out!
My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
i feel this will be the best possible way to start a friendship. By breaking into his house.
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
I can coach you back to consumption. Think of it kinda like Rocky II.
Everything's a blur with pockets full of jello
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
I may or may not be negotiating a deal of baked goods for socks...keep you posted
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
Lol, you asked the waitress to box up someone else's discarded food last night
FUCK... Pulled a chick from the bar went to her house passed out on the shitter. She lives in a house full of girls. They were making poop jokes as i left
He has a bed frame and a headboard.... That match his dresser and nightstand...
Hahah. That's good.
I feel like you don't understand the severity with which this weirds me out...
After we fucked we sat in bed and watched Charlie St. Cloud and he fed me ice cream. It was probably the most romantic thing I've ever done.
Randomize