Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
Wow I didn't even consider the possibility of him having ED. I'm gaining so many life experiences from dating an older man
I swear if he puts my hand anywhere near his dick tonight I'm "accidentally" leaving all my rings on
Just because your gf gives mediocre bjs doesn't mean I can fill that void
Plus he is a pilot so I could give him flight dome
Well you got kicked off a stripper pole. They said girls only.
I woke up on the hammock spooning a box of Cheese Itz.
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
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