3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
I just want to get to the point in our relationship where I can get on top of her and fart and we can both laugh...not just me.
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
I don't remember her name, all I remember is trying to suck the wedding ring off her finger.
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
You are softly singing to the wall while slow dancing with it. I feel as though you should discontinue this behavior.
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
Sex while Star Warsing is the best
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
Randomize
