I wish I could teleport
my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
There is still throw up in my sink from before break. God I missed this place
I've hooked up with three guys in my accounting class. I'm beginning to think my teacher failed me so I can start getting laid again.
Hey, if I'm gonna bastard a child and ruin his life, I'm going balls out.
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
Talk about an dramatic entrance, girl rolled up on a stolen bike and was wearing heels and a dress, through it on the ground and said "you guys want a bike?" Of course i jumped on that shit, any sane person would!
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
Also, I found your gauge.
I found it under my pillow like a gift from the Sex Fairy.
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
Goddamn it. Hes got me addicted to his penis
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
If you were to to ask if I just hid 4 shooters or Jameson it my bra and panties the anwer would be yes, yes I did
I really just gave up on masterbating because I'm too tired. I really am getting old.
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
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