you lied vaginas dont taste like gold fish!
noo i said youre golden if her vagina tastes like fish!
a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
were you high?
When?
Actually just blanket yes to that question
I just saw a guy in a sombrero and holding an inflated blow-up doll in all her "glory" get escorted out of the mall. I hate Marley.
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
Was she always missing a tooth or am I just now noticing it?
My boyfriend just asked what time I was coming over. As soon as my old BF unchains me. I think he ran away.
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
I find him attractive in the absolute weirdest way. Like I need him to do my taxes, but I also feel like I should spill things on him to gain his attention and then lick it off to gain his affection.
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
I already popped my bottle of Rose and took my boxers off. No can do muchacho
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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