That's kind of creepy but I guess since I'm wearing your dad's pants nothing is off limits anymore
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
Vegas is awesome. Its like you have a kentucky accent girls automatically assume you don't have herpes.
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
So drunk. Washed my hair un pancheros sink cus I was so hot.
Just made a PowerPoint called "Reasons Why You Should Fuck Me" at his request. The sad thing is we've had sex before...
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
Also I like this area. Lots of places for me to get tacos.
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
She told me she was the Publishers Clearing House of Dicks. Two dicks a day, everyday for life.
Now that it's over, I can finally say it and not feel bad,dude. Her mustache is better than yours.
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
Randomize
