Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
She has a concussion we think. Dancing to barbie girl.
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
I think I just puked all over my comforter and my roomdmate won't wakt up to washc it for me
Pillow talk just revealed that he originally thought I was 16.
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
Triple a is towing cars for free tonight and tomorrow night. Can we take advantage of this ?
it's graduation. he's gonna get congratulations slash emotional i cant believe youre leaving me sex.
You had a hot dog outside the bar then made me stop at McDonald's for a double quarter pounder. I'd say you've more than filled your drunken meat quota.
in the middle of getting head my cat meowed. she looked up , meowed back, and then continued giving me head.
Where the fuck do you get consience sedatives from?
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
Randomize
