I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
sometimes i really wish you were a nugget.
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
I put cups full of chips next to every bed, couch, and toilet so that everyone could have a snack when they woke up....
What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.
That wasn't intended for you, my bad.
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
She liked to slap me in the face while she was on top. All I can say is that big boobs can excuse a lot.
Yea, I had a chaperone thankfully. I'm in the fetal position attempting to eat captain crunch now.
I have a very important question for you: what are some good rules to have if we want to turn the nfl draft into a drinking game?
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
I just walked out topless, stared his brother straight in the eye, and ate all the rest of their cookie dough.
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