and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
Our penis' have led to more networking than mark zuckerberg.
you crashed our wine night double date and sat on the floor eating cheese talking about how big his dick is.
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
I made $80 at the club last night by telling him he was like a wild pony and I just wanted to tame him
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
He pulled the pencil out of my leg and then we fucked. It felt sorta like pulp fiction in reverse.
jesus, I think that canada gold metal game has completely changed all rules of acceptable drinking habits, I was fucked untill noon and I just got invited to go party when I get off work...at 600am...and NO ONE understood why i was hesitant
Just had to stop myself from doing a bump on the Disney bus. The struggle is real.
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
I didn't think you wanted your identity stolen along with your dignity. My mistake.
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
Stacy lit a fart and burn half of the couch down before we can put the Flames out. Bring your truck.
Randomize