Peanut Butter and turkey sandwich...this may come back to haunt me
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
You would ignore him even if it wasn't NoManUary. It could be the Winter of a Thousand Dicks and you wouldn't talk to that guy.
The Winter of A Thousand Dicks sounds terrifying!!!
I'm calling it the Friendlationship with Benefits Zone.
first reaction to dying the pubes purple - awesome. Reaction after I explain the process - not awesome. Hypothesis? when girls find out you know to bleach and dye your hair, they're turned off.
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
Reunion weekend was a success. Had 3 ex's inside my vag. Hat trick!
The problem is that you are trying to hold on to some dignity. Let it go. I hope your rash gets better.
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
I'm like the big dick whisperer.
Not to play devil's advocate, but, considering how our species has evolved so far... I'm kinda rooting for the sun on the whole heat death thing.
Went to open youtube this morning, and the last search was "ten hours of whale sounds" Best pillow talk ever!
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
Randomize
