When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
watching a depressing episode of spongebob while high is the most depressing thing i have ever experienced
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
Found her. Shes unconscious up against the room door. Her credit card is in the keycard slot
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
Imma do me. And by that, I mean I'm going to walk across campus still drunk at 9am on a Tuesday.
Can vaginas get frostbite?
Not blacking out at our finals party is my Everest
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
You know you're too high when you find yourself crying at " hand in my pocket" by Alanis Morissette because it's "just TOO REAL"
She looked so much better when u didn't look at her and the music was too loud to hear her
Be quiet or buzz aldrin will come beat you up with science
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
i could only love him more if he was covered in glitter.
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