Let's get naked and see who's stronger.
hell yes lets make some ravioli
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
we spent fifteen minutes trying to convince you that you weren't locked inside of your car
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
Randomize
