I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
why is every porn film shot in the same house? with the same red couch!?!
I'm watching a show called "I didn't know I was pregnant" on TLC...Apparently this happens enough that there is a series
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
i hate always having to make my eye shadow look really good since my eyes always end up closed by the end of the night in pics
I am planning my day around naps and lesbians.
i'm traumatized. his orgasm face consisted of him looking like my dead grandfather and burping.
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
I woke up at 6am to a knock and a naked guy at my window.
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
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