You drank the expired grape juice because you were convinced it had fermented into wine...you have a problem.
Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
The girl who overdosed in the bathroom at work is back....help?
I just realized. my grades aren't ready for st patties day...
Btw sorry for throwing that bag of ice at your face lastnight....
I would fuck him In a heartbeat, an obese child running up stairs with an irregular heartbeat, heartbeat.
We hooked up for a while and on his way out he high fived me and said "stay weird"
she had a dildo shaped like a dolphin. she will forever be known as Flipper
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
Randomize
