How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
Literally just as i started to cum the church bells next ot my house began to ring. either it was the most epic timing ever or god was watching and congratulating me
it's sunday funday. and also, who can outslut the other day.
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
I was like can I please fuck your hips back into realignment
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
Spotify knows me way to well. You mention swinger club and guess what it shuffles to? Danger Zone by Kenny Loggins
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
Btw I'm playing passed out so you can get laid but obviously you need to take the offense just ask him if he wants to go to bed and leave a cigg on the counter
You took nana to a bar?!
she suggested it
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
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