theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
These people need to leave so I can have rum and Doritos at work like every other American.
then she woke up from sleeping for an hour and the first thing she said was "i regret it already"
Dude we got so high last night. I said "watch this" threw a goldfish cracker in the toilet, and laughed my ass off. We watched the dvd menu for 30 minutes too.
using the left over highlighters from the blacklight party to study for finals. feeling the need to write insert penis here on my econ notes.
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
Well I just finished dry heaving so I think breakfast is a little further out for me
So yeah, turns out I enjoy vaguely public group sex. Who knew?
Day one of being single and I've came three times. I can get used to this.
Randomize
