That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
I realized today that I should stop thinking so much with my vagina instead of my brain.
Please tell me this doesn't mean another "surprise road trip" where I spend all my money on gas and the SURPRISE destination is the abortion clinic.
But what if I pay for the gas?
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
Well, find something you can use as a snorkel and be aware of your surroundings.
Just because its your birthday does not mean u can play quarters by dropping quarters into cups to make me drink.
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
I don't think boys are aware how difficult it is to take a picture of your own ass.
I think I'm going to go into my next therapy session with hot client with my fly down and when he tells me about it I'm going to say "how did that happen?!" and then porn music will start to play.
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
When we missed a fist bump and simultaneously did the Rocket Power handshake I knew I was going to blow him.
I can't hang out tomorrow. A boy wants to feed me ice cream and touch my boobs. Priorities.
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
So Saturday night after 10 drinks I guess he tried to have sex with me and in the middle of it I asked "can you tell I'm faking it!?" and then I sat up and threw up in my hand. That's a sex Win in my books
roommate singing save a horse ride a cowboy wearing a cowboy hat a bikini and jeans while humping the couch.
I think I recall josh coming in to the room to tuck us in and give us a few condoms and I threw them back all furious and told him 'we don't use those.' Oh god
Randomize
