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ok, stay where you are, be there soon
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
He was like an evil genius with the clitoris. I don't stand a chance.
and I was crying with the towel lady in the bathroom of the bar about the tragedy in Haiti. Then we hugged before I left and I gave her 10 dollars.
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
Not saying puking on the side of a cab was how I imagined freshman year of med school but...
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
He was going down on me and all I could think about was how proud of me you'd be
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
It's 4am & this guy is asleep with his junk still inside me..really rethinking my life
I took a pregnancy test at Pancheros a bit ago.
I feel like ditching all logic and responsibility and get shit-faced before the week's over. Thoughts?
Randomize
