What can I say...he's packing some serious heat down there. You wouldn't expect that looking at him, huh?
I guess God knew he was going to be bald...
Best walk of shame ever. Not only did I not remember his name or the fact that we fucked, they all watched as I tried to get into 3 cars that werent mine
Oh and I threw up on myself...
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
currently taking a solo cab to the strip club at 1 in the morning. this is healthy.
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
it's like my freshman wet dream come true
I just saw a douchebag with frosted tips & a LaCoste polo with popped collar driving a Call of Duty edition Jeep. It was a cavalcade of stereotypes.
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
Would you paint my ceiling for oral sex?
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
It was only a blow job in his car. It's the same as giving a friend a back rub.
My last one night stand called me today. Apparently I gave him a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure how I should feel about this.
Randomize
