i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
girls mom is dying from cancer and she msgs me for a booty call. I guess people cope with their situations differently.
last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
your facebook page is a work of drunk art.
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
the ladder is at the bottom of the pool
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
after she rolled over and said 'i'm so glad you're like my gay best friend, love you' then left. did i just get friendzoned AFTER sex??
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
My mom just added me on Facebook... She has one like and it's Will Smith
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
MESSY REBOUND SEX HERE I COME! Time to start stretching to fit in my back seat again ...
he called me his ex's name during sex then proceeded to cry while still in me
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