i was drunk at family dinner telling about my gay brothers sex ads on criags list
Not only do prius' look terrible they are terrible to have sex in
I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
She asked me to go inside, make myself a drink and slip into something a little more naked.
but I'll probably watch some porn later so it's not a complete waste of a Saturday night.
She screamed at us, "You guys need to wake up and smell the beer-bong!"
I have woke up on a strange couch, in a strange house, on another campus. Can you Friend-Find me and pick me up?
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
She's so nice... She deserves all the dicks.
I had a dream involving the worlds smallest pony, an asphalt volcano, and jimi hendrix. Never smoking 3 bowls before bed again
At one point she put on my dads pants and yelled after him EMILIOOOO! Dude, my dads name is Mark.
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