Are they still out there making out on the couch? How can we get them to leave?
I 'm gonna go stand naked in the kitchen with a knife
i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
she was stripping to whiskey lullaby. most depressed boner.
I'm currently sitting on the floor of a hostel reception area taking swigs of straight vodka, singing with people whose English doesn't go far beyond Lion King songs. I thought you might appreciate it.
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
Btw if you ever get emails that pretty much contain 'bwahhhhh jatkkvsweuo' it's safe to assume it's me.
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
I wish him all the best and hope one day he can afford the surgery to remove his head from his ass
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
So I feel like I should have had a going away party for your dick. Complete with balloons and cake. Yeahh that's right. I'm gonna miss it.
The paramedics said she just kept whispering "I just wanted to party"
I climbed out of the shower to him sitting on the floor trimming his pubes with nail clippers, we both just started laughing at how drunk we were
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
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