How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
I mostly enjoyed dancing with him because his boner was scratching my bug bites.
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
I woke up covered in his pee. And then he poked me on Facebook.
I think we should have realized the night was going to be nuts when it started with a bum dying in front of my house.
Bring the pizza ill bring the boundaries we can cross
I am just saying if Clark Kent walks into your life, you fuck him
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
You're telling that to the kid drinking Jack in nothing but a graduation cap
She really wants to put my dick in her mouth, and to be honest I really don't want to put it there.
maybe you should have closed the porn before you gave the professor your computer to hook up to the projector?
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