The human being growing inside of her was a mistake. Lets just hope the boyfriend isn't.
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
what's not responsible about a pool full of beer?
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
sorry he hasn't talked to me since the surprise salvia incident...
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
I'm not leaving my family to go to a strip club on good friday.
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
I just remembered something from last night. check your closet.
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
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