i didnt like the question options for my yahoo account..so i made up the question and it was "favorite bathroom to shit in"
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
Why is your signature on my underwear?
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
The entire time I'm blowing him she's in the back seat lecturing me on the reasons why you're not suppose to do that while they're driving...
He waited until after foreplay to tell me that he didn't have a condom and "we" would just have to settle for a bj tonight...
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
how much do I hate his dog? was just googling to see if you can rent a hungry eagle for the weekend hate.
It's Christmas. You could splurge on something a LITTLE fancier than wine in a box.
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
its Niagara falls. its like international waters. You can get away with anything there
we used a blowdryer last night to warm up our left over pizza..it worked perfectly at first..but then the chili powder got into his eyes..
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