I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight.
and I must say, you were very persuasive
He yelled IN THE FACE!! while cumming on my face.
you were having sex in the bathroom so i pee'd in your bong water...
He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
His response today determines what state my vagina will be in this weekend.
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
Sorry, fell into some ass. Call you tomorrow.
Let's play another riveting game of "Whose boxers are hanging on my fence?"
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
Randomize
