with her its the mind over matter factor, i dont mind and she dont matter
apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
Your friends ate a hole through an entire loaf of bread
i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
i just packed a bowl on a big bird place mat and smoked it in a spaceship with a slide. i love babysitting.
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
You flooded my bathroom while trying to construct a hot tub. All three of you were completely naked.
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
Who brings a stripper home to ninja turtle bed sheets
Me and I got head
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
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