I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
He proposed that we "bone". I've completely given up on boys.
And then he said "my dick isn't hard enough and your tits aren't big enough for this to work"
just saw a guy driving a atv down the highway in a tux.... only in Iowa...
and you think what you did last night was bad? at least you didnt go wake up a sleeping guy for birthday sex.
Were playing beruit winners pelt losers with eggs
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
Bathroom attendant appreciated that hug I have him as a tip. Fucking BROKE these days.
Oh Julie took your pants off last night, I put your pajama bottoms on, and Rachel took your bra off. It takes a village.
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
We banged in my car doggy style with my head out the window. The sky was marvelous and I saw a shooting star. Its destiny; we're meant to fuck forever.
We made out in front of everyone INCLUDING his girlfriend. And no one saw. THAT DRUNK!
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