Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
2000 dollars has been put in for bail money. Also we're signing contracts
In case you're keeping score at home, this is Brad's SECOND Doritos-related trip to the ER.
THIS ISN'T WORKING THIS IS THE DRUNK LEADING THE DRUNK
I borrowed a glass of wine. And the bottle. Your cat said it was ok
The world is a different place when I'm actually having sex
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
In my defense, who let the drunk girl run around with a sack of broken glass unsupervise?
He took me home and by the time I woke up after catching up on sleep I realized I accidentally put on one of his fiances socks. whoops.
I sucked his dick by a creek, how romantic.
And by not handle it I mean it makes me want to sit on his face
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
I put on a face mask and masturbated for an hour... my face now has a green tint
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