Tickle wars 95% of the time end in sex.
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
I'm in new territory... I've never had to convince a guy to let me give him head as an apology.
took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
I was just informed that you are the reason for my 2 missing front teeth.
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
At first i thought she was a sexily dressed toddler. but not in a pedophile way, in a really on drugs way
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
Happy 4th. Did you guys get your syphilis thing taken care of?
My v day was great. There's a cum stain in the shape of a handprint on my sheets
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
What better than a girl who loves jager, sexts like a champ and is down for t-bell at any hours of the night? oh wait, NOTHING.
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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