There's a 34yo winking at me. Why do i find this weird when my bf is a 38yo married man?
i've never seen someone fall down the steps so gracefully... i think im in love
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
OH MY GOD. JESUS STRIPPER. THERE IS A JESUS STRIPPER HERE. A STRIPPER DRESSED AS JESUS.
He did not want a thank you for helping me move in bj. I don't know how to thank him now.
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
my gynecologist gave me a high 5 for not getting any STD's since my last visit and said "Way to go Annabeth!" you have twenty seconds to get to my level
Can't we just go back to fucking and having your boyfriend think you're completely straight?
i thought the time we went to a party with no shoes on was bad, how about the time you left with no pants on?
And now Google thinks I have a hard hat fetish...maybe I do...
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