Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
I just did something awful... i just had to tell someone... i just used my brothers electric face cleaner as a vibrator
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
He freaked out when I started to orgasm. He said he never knew girls could orgasm too.
I fucking, woke up on a couch with a towel as a blanket to someones lion king ringtone.
I just found out that I slept with Kate Gosselin's publicist back in June . Brb I have to wash myself endlessly.
Packing a mid day bowl in the Sonic parking lot. Have I gone too stoner?
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
Well. Another one of my exes came out of the closet.
I'm naked and there are two trees and a yield sign
Be right there
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Randomize
